Blair, Clegg, and Cameron go to Loop

Source: Wikimedia Commons

IN HIS FIRST OUTING AS OUR RESIDENT SATIRIST, ALEX CASTILLO INJECTS SOME SNAKEBITE INTO THE LIVES OF THREE EX-POLITICIANS.

Nick’s phone starts to vibrate on his bedside table.
“Hello?”
“Yo, Nicky. It’s Sportsnight! Get out of bed and get your arse to Phineas.”
“I can’t. I’ve got loads of work to do. Hammond’s announced a digital services tax and I’ve got to convince Suckerberg that it was just a Halloween joke.”
“Shut it, you liberal loser. Now get down here.”
“Alright, fine.” 

Nick heads to Phineas and finds David chugging snakebite at the bar. 
“Snakebiiite!” David shouts, as purple liquid dribbles from his chin. “Get this down your gullet.” David hands over a can of Foster’s. 
“No, I’m not drinking,” Nick protests. “I’ve got a lot of work to do and I promised my colleagues I’d get it done by tomorrow.”
Twenty minutes later David finds Nick slumped over the toilet, Foster’s in one hand and phone in the other.
“What are you doing?” David asks.
“We had it so good,” Nick wails as he scrolls through a Facebook profile. “Why did she have to leave me? Everything was so perfect.”
“I thought you were still married?” asks David. 
“I’m not talking about Miriam! I’m talking about the EU. I loved her and now she’s leaving me like a sullen mistress climbing out my bedroom window after we’ve shared an intimate post-coital sherry.” 
“Not this nonsense again. When it’s over, it’s over. You think I care about my failed relationships? I’m just like “Okay, bye. Now it’s time for me make 12 million giving speeches to Goldman Sachs.” And then I never see her again or acknowledge that I was the problem. It’s great!” 
“I’m not like you, Dave. I can’t turn my feelings off. We were so good together. She was just a small-town economic union living in a globalised world and I was a city boy born and raised in various boarding schools. It was perfect!” He sobs uncontrollably. 
“I’ve had enough of this,” David exclaims. “I’m calling Tony. He can liven up this sob story.”

One hour later Tony arrives at Phineas.
“Tony in the house! Big man’s here!” Tony shouts.
“Let’s get some more drinks,” David says.
“6 jagerbombs!”
“You really love those, Tony.”
“What can I say? I love bombs,” Tony replies.
“What you been up to?” 
“Oh, you know. Advising the Egyptian government. Being charitable and shit. The yoozh. Apparently the Middle East is pretty messed up. I wonder w…” 
Nick walks out of the toilets and interrupts them.
“Alright, I’m good to go. No more moaning from me. Let’s hit the road.” 

After a few more drinks, Tony, Nick and David end up on the bus to Loop. 
“Looop. Loooop. Looooo…”
“What the hell are you doing?” Nick asks.
“I just like saying it,” David replies
“That guy’s looking at me funny,” Tony interjects. “He’s asking for a knuckle sandwich, he is.”
“Tony you try to start fights with everyone. Just lay off.”
“It’s fine. The American Football team will back us. Worse comes to worst, we’ll just blame it on alcohol… and terrorism,” Tony says. 
“What?” Nick asks, confused.
“Nothing.”

They arrive at Loop and proceed to join the queue. 
Nick has a queue jump card and heads to the front.
“I just need to use the toilet and then I’ll come back and queue with you guys. I promise,” he says. Two hours later Tony and David finally get in and head straight for the toilets. They find Nick in one of the cubicles, bent over, tears dripping onto his iPhone screen. 
“She doesn’t love me anymore. Why doesn’t she love me anymore, Tony?”
“Maybe you should’ve fought harder for her, mate. Maybe you should’ve appreciated all the little things that she did for you.”
“The little things?” Nick asks.
“Yeah, you know, harmonising regulations in order to boost trade; providing Cornwall and West Wales with over £800 per person since 2014; making coffee in the morning. That kind of stuff,” Tony replies. 
“Well, this is boring. Let’s go cut some shapes,” David interrupts.
“Haven’t you cut enough?” Nick responds. 
“Whatever…” 
The three of them disappear into the darkness of the dance floor. 

The next morning Tony awakes to the smell of hot coffee. His friend Theresa opens the bedroom door.
“Morning,” she says. “Look at these two.” She points to Nick and David cuddled up on the sofa, drooling on each other’s shoulders. 
“God, my head hurts, Tessa. What happened last night?” Tony asks.
“You really don’t remember.” 
“Nope.”
“Well, after some dancing and a lot of shots, David got us into a fight with some Germans and now it looks like we might all get banned from Loop.”
“What was Nick doing?”
“Well, Nick promised to get some friends to help, but he just fucked off to the bathroom and cried all night.”
“Wow. What a complete load of idiots,” Tony chuckles.
“I don’t know why you’re laughing, Tony. You bombed Iraq.”