Fifty Shades of Grey: Review

THOMAS DEEHAN SEPARATES THE SEX FROM THE SCANDAL IN HIS REVIEW OF 50 SHADES OF GREY

This is the one you’ve been waiting for – and I don’t mean my review (I’m not that self-righteous). Fifty Shades of Grey is here, whether or not you loved or despised the book. It is hard to deny that we haven’t all, in some capacity, been curious about the film adaptation of one of the most polarising books of all time. It’s that very same curiosity that dragged me all the way down to the cinema to see the film and has left me feeling equal parts shocked and cheated.

Unless you’ve been living under a rock on the left side of Mars, you’re likely to be aware of the explicit depictions of BDSM (bondage and discipline, sadism and masochism for the unacquainted) in E. L. James’ Fifty Shades trilogy of novels. I’ll admit that I was genuinely intrigued to see how the film would address this topic. In any case, I should have saved myself the disappointment by leaving all my expectations at the door, because what I found was an atrocious mess of a film. After only a short period into the film, I began to notice a recurring pattern. More specifically, there are three scenes between Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey that repeat themselves in the same order numerous times until the film ends.

The formula operates like this: a discussion about the ‘sex contract’ with Ana proclaiming that she has yet to sign it, followed by a sex scene, and concluding with Ana trying to get Christian to open up emotionally and Christian rejecting the notion. Rinse and repeat until your eyes bleed and you start desperately thinking of ways to convince the cashier to give you your money back. Maybe this wouldn’t be a big deal if the film wasn’t two hours long, but the fact that I kept checking my watch should tell you that it gets boring very quickly.

I imagine that the one thing you’re more interested in (as was I) are the sex scenes. I’m not sure if director Sam Taylor-Johnson believes that if the shot lingers for any reasonable portion of time on a naked body that the audience will lose their minds, but there must be some explanation for why the film employs the use of trailer-esque editing. This approach only seeks to remove any eroticism from the film’s carnal exploits as we never get a genuine understanding of what is happening is happening on screen.

Also worth noting is that aside from Dakota Johnson’s breasts, no genitalia appear on screen, and I’m not including the one second shot of Jamie Dornan’s pubic hair. You would think that a film followed by so many expectations regarding the intensity of its sex scenes might at least show what all men and women have down there, but instead we’re treated to soft-core porn that seems hesitant to openly depict sex on screen.

The only scene in the entire film that warrants praise is the boardroom meeting between Ana and Christian to discuss the terms of the contract. Verbal wit is constantly thrown from one end of the table to the other, establishing a genuine level of sexual tension between the two, which keeps the audience guessing as to who is really in control of their relationship. It’s a fantastic scene but unfortunately it isn’t enough to warrant watching the film in its entirety.

The most irritating thing about Fifty Shades of Grey is just how disappointing it is. Dakota Johnson is perfectly competent as Anastasia Steele, and I did find Christian Grey to be a compelling character on paper. His back story regarding a BDSM centric relationship with an older woman at the age of 15 sounds like a far more interesting plot than the one at hand, but the implications of this relationship at such a young age are never fully explored. Despite the use of helicopters, lavish cars, and luxurious apartments to dazzle our eyes, someone forgot to include the one thing that makes any film worth watching: substance.