How to ghost in the age of Covid dating
Clear communication is hard! Why bother? Sam Vladimirsky provides a list of excuses to get you out of any sticky dating app conversation.
Hello again, online daters, you darlings you. I’ve missed writing for you. But COVID made me do it.
Since you’re probably talking to thirty-seven prospective matches across all five of your apps, you will find yourself having to end at least a few of these conversations sooner rather than later. Here are some excuses you can give to not hurt the other person.
I’m sorry I haven’t been replying much, but my twelve-foot python Jaxton really needs me right now, and food is particularly hard to source. I’ve already sacrificed my two pinky toes.
I just got my acceptance letter to Hogwarts’s Adult Study Program, and I don’t want to try long distance.
I’m sort of talking to someone else, this guy Don. He’s a bit older (73 actually), but he’s tall, blonde, oh, and I think he might be the President of the United States? Not sure, he only posted one pic to his profile and his bio’s just his Venmo account.
I’m next in line for the throne of an obscure Southern European country you’ve probably never heard of, and my coronation’s tonight. But hey, you can tune in live on Zoom!
I just accepted the main role in an experimental film production of Joan of Arc. The director is a real artist type, so he asked me to try method acting…I guess I’ll see you on the other side.
I’m going to be on the next season of The Bachelor. We’re filming it on Tik-Tok, Tinder, and Microsoft Teams.
Sorry, but I don’t believe in dating in the Matrix.
I’m actually travelling to Paris tonight. The flight was four dollars, and for safety reasons, they have to tie me to one of the wings (something about not wanting to create a crowd inside the cabin), but I’m hoping I’ll meet my special someone in the City of Love!
You were born in the Year of the Tiger, so you’re obviously going to kill your future spouse. You’re a Pisces, so you’re impatient, but your moon sign is a Sagittarius, which means you’re not looking for commitment, and your rising sun — shit, is that you outside my window?
You’re kind of like cilantro: I liked the idea of you at first, but you left a horrible aftertaste.