I'm tired of having the same conversation.

We talk a lot about change, but the silence is much louder.

Source: Flickr

No matter how many times we replay the same conversation among the people who care, the world does not change. It’s not about telling women to be less vulnerable, or being more dependent on the “not-all” subset of men. In these conversations, the most powerful messages come from the silence. Silence is complicity with the order that deems the blatant violation of even the simplest human rights and freedoms as something that is natural and expected.

A friend recently commented that right now, we all have so few freedoms. We have a responsibility to each other: to stay safe, distant and healthy. One of the few things we supposedly may do is go for a walk, yet for half of the population every single step outside of their home brings with it the thought - sometimes fleeting, other times intruding and persistent – that it’s not a freedom at all. It’s a risk.

“Girls and women are constantly criticised for this, and told to stay home, or to be with people we know - which is statistically the most dangerous place for us to be.”

And this is what we are taught to believe. Every day. Every day we see more victim-blaming and advice to women to “be safer”. But we are doing all the “right things”. We wear bright clothes; take the longer, well-lit route; we share our location; we get someone on the phone. And then we are told to just stay home. Don’t dare to be alone in the big bad world. Make sure you have a trusty man with you.

The irony of all of this would be almost laughable if it wasn’t so tragic. Men are actually a lot likelier to be attacked by a stranger than a woman is.  But we don’t blame men for being alone, or drunk, or out after dark, or wearing the wrong clothing. However, girls and women are constantly criticised for this, and told to stay home, or to be with people we know - which is statistically the most dangerous place for us to be.

Seeing this victim-blaming happening again and again is tiring. The same people make the same points about preserving fundamental human rights, and it should not be like this. It’s tiring to see that it takes the most extreme incidences to bring such constant and prevalent issues to a focal point. And that, as quickly as it becomes trendy to post online and promote equality and protection, with the next news cycle it again falls out of the spotlight and becomes preachy background noise once more.

It’s tiring seeing women sharing endless stories of their harassment and assault, bravely reliveing horrific experiences as some sort of ritual sacrifice in exchange for sympathy to make people care. To make people want to make it stop. Sympathy is not the solution here. Sympathy doesn’t make me feel safe. It undermines the whole concept of a solution, if you’re just doing the poor, sad, pathetic girls a favour, and sticking up for them because you feel sorry for them. Safety isn’t security if it’s just there as a courtesy: something that someone else could choose to take away whenever they feel like it.

So we don’t need sympathy. We need respect. Men are respected, and violations against them don’t lead to questions of their deserving the situation. Their rights are respected and treated as fundamental, and the focus is on stopping the perpetrator, not the victim.

And no, not all men are perpetrators of assault and harassment against women, but not all men denounce it either. If you wouldn’t call out a friend for calling a woman a “slag”, or pinching her bum, or yelling at her in the street, or making misogynistic comments - or a million other big or small things that perpetuate the idea that a woman’s freedoms are not as important as theirs – then you are part of the problem. At the moment, women are something men can use, or taunt, or hurt, or kill. Your silence acts as a tacit approval and contributes to your complicity with the narrative that women don’t deserve to be safe.

Having these same conversations, among the same people, again and again clearly isn’t going to make us safe. Other people need to make an effort. Join the conversation. Listen and learn from other people’s experiences. Call people out. Even if they’re your mate and it’s awkward. Especially if they’re your mate and it’s awkward, because if nothing changes, then nothing changes. I’m tired.

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