UCL Do The Double Over Kings

Photography by Henry Hill

IT’S A CLEAN SWEEP FOR BOTH UCL’S WOMEN’S AND MEN’S FOOTBALL TEAMS. HENRY HILL RECOUNTS THE STELLAR DOUBLE VICTORY.

UCL Women’s FC produced a stunning display to thump KCL 8-0 in front of their rowdy Ultra fans.

You would have forgiven the team for being a little nervous coming into the varsity match. Just a handful of players remained from last year’s 6-2 victory, and it was the two teams’ first meeting of the year.

UCL started quick, barely allowing Kings to leave their half. With Wadey controlling the midfield UCL never looked fazed, and constantly looked to attach Kings down the left through the pacy Pevsner and Lim. Nazereth was a persistent threat up front and clearly had the better of the Kings centre backs who could not handle her speed. Good covering from the KCL keeper prevented Nazereth from making it 1-0.

The first real chance of the game, however, fell to the Kings Captain. The No.10 had been the main danger for Kings, and her free kick from the edge of the area only narrowly missed the far post.

UCL responded in the best way possible, much in thanks to excellent work by Hacket at right back. Leaving two players for dead, her cross fell at the feet of Audrey DePaepe, who calmly finished for 1-0. And it wasn’t long before 2-0, DePaepe once again finishing in the box from a Wadey corner.

The end of the first half gave me a chance to check in again with the recurring WAG Finn McLaughlin. Buoyed by the fine display, McLaughlin was in fine spirits. “The weather is mild, the beer is delicious, great game.” The rest of the UCL’s fans were clearly having fun too, as they prowled the touchline with a beer and a fag, constantly tormenting the Kings bench in what looked like a female remake of Green Street.

Tooting & Mitcham FC were clearly looking to save on their electricity bill as they let the second half kick off in near darkness, but that didn’t stop UCL from shining through.

American star DePaepe almost completed a remarkable hat-trick, only to blaze over, but then Nazereth was rewarded for her efforts when she slotted home calmly for 3-0. Super sub Zahawi scored with her first touch for 4-0, and then Mia Taylor smashed home from outside the box with a goal of real quality for 5.

In fairness to Kings, they were playing a team of top class. Coach Kaveh had created a fluid passing game, meaning Kings were constantly chasing the ball and having to deal with overlapping wing backs. The Kings No.4 worked tirelessly in CDM maintain some parity.

Kolaczynska made it 6-0, before Wadey topped off her brilliant performance and perfect dead ball ability with a goal straight from a corner. Chants of “We want 10” were jeered by the Ultra’s, though they would have to settle for 8, as Poonawala scored to complete the rout.

There were great scenes at the final whistle. Captain Sofianos was “so happy for the team” as quite rightly as it was a deserved result.

Her sentiments were echoed by Coach Kaveh: “It was an excellent performance, I am really pleased.”

UCL Mens 3 – KCL Mens 0

UCL Mens, who once again failed to come and support the women’s success, ran out comfortable 3-0 winners in a highly charged encounter over Kings.

A good crowd had returned to the Wembley of South London- the Tooting & Mitcham Stadium- and both teams fancied their chances. The first half was a cagey affair, with not many chances on goals. Both teams’ midfields worked hard to break play down, though Kings came closest to opening the scoring.

UCL would take the lead and it was through their regular source. Viktor Kärcher, or ‘Dr. Goals’ as he is more commonly known, made room to score and finished smartly. By half time the score was 1-0 to the men in blue.

Both teams were backed by a boisterous crowd, and it was through them that the most interesting action would occur in the second half. UCL’s mascot ‘Phineas’ became the victim of a Cantona-esque assault, as the inability of seeing their team score a goal made the KCL fans see red. Amid chants of Berlington Bertie from the UCL supporters, two Kings fan’s chose to target Phineas, viciously rugby tackling him to the floor and stealing his head, in the most infamous UCL-KCL head stealing incident since the great abduction of Jeremy Bentham’s. UCL retaliation only brought further ugly action by Kings, as the football threatened to be overlooked.

In a Pi Media exclusive, I caught up with the victim in the mascot costume, who wishes to remain anonymous due to fears of retaliation. This is his story:

“The violent attack has left me scarred. Since the incident, I have suffered numerous sleepless nights, recurring nightmares plagued by the image of Phineas’ head being wrenched from atop his shoulders.”

In an act of real courage, the victim was understanding on the assailant.

“Despite this, I have remained forgiving of the perpetrator. With his team 3-0 down, following an 8-0 thumping from the women, it is understandable that he thought we were playing rugby out there.”

Back on the football pitch, UCL could not have chosen a better time to score. Captain Thomas Achtelstetter received the ball on the edge of the area and finished with aplomb, sending the already riled up fans into raptures.

Kings didn’t really look like mounting a comeback, much in part to the hard work of Alex Kozak. The ex-Man United academy player had clearly learnt a thing or two from Lingard and Pogba, as he tirelessly challenged the KCL defence with every counter attack. It wasn’t long before he was awarded a goal of his own, killing the game off 3-0.

Kings’ performance across the two matches made Arsenal’s efforts against Bayern look admirable. But one thing is sure, the football bled purple this year in a big win for UCL.