A future unemployed person's careers guide

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If you’re a young person nearing the end of your education, you may have questions like ‘Where am I going?’ and ‘What is my purpose?’ The typical answer is ’employment’, an unexciting response that replaces existential musing with worries about choosing the right career.

Fortunately, society has intricate mechanisms to take care of this for you. It automatically directs the most intelligent students into banking or consultancy, condemns those less gifted to internet startups, and relegates people with even fewer talents to academia. This means you have very little control over your career path, so it’s best not to worry about it. 

Justifying your career

Much more important than worrying about what profession to choose is figuring out why you love the job that the world randomly assigns you. Your parents, friends, and inner monologue will regularly ask you to justify this foregone conclusion, and an unconvincing argument may lead to pointed questions like ‘Why didn’t you get a STEM degree?’ 

‘The money’ is a compelling justification for most careers, but it may not work in all cases. For example, when your relatives ask why you became employee number 5 at an AI-on-the-blockchain pre-seed company with £100 monthly revenue, answering ‘the money’ probably won’t cut it. Even in the best cases, this answer becomes less convincing over time. Hence, it’s a good idea to devise some other responses that you can rotate regularly. 

Here’s a selection of model answers for justifying a profession. I’ve tailored this guide for UCL students, so I assume you’re becoming a management consultant:

1. ‘I’m passionate about devising strategies and finding optimal solutions for business challenges’ (if people look at you blankly after you’ve said this, don’t worry, they’re impressed),

2. ‘I want to change the world by understanding client needs and providing customised solutions’ (there’s no better way to show your blue sky thinking),

3. ‘I want to help organisations navigate uncertainty and capitalise on opportunities’ (okay, this is pushing it...). 

My list is almost exhaustive for justifying a consulting career. However, you can make up other responses for different professions or reuse these examples if you’re struggling to be creative. 

Showing off your career

Once fate has chosen your job and you’ve made up some reasons why it’s your calling, you deserve to show it off. Although boasting about careers was traditionally distasteful, LinkedIn has normalised the practice. It’s now perfectly acceptable to write online monologues about how amazing your grad scheme is and to broadcast these thoughts to anyone who’ll listen. 

I have the following advice for writing the ultimate career update:

1. Always begin your posts with ‘Dear Network’. This makes your connections feel personally addressed, conveying that your update is not self-congratulatory but for their interest. 

2. Always emphasise your deep gratitude for your new position. These sentiments aren’t helpful for the reader but have important karmic properties. Remember, only luck got your corporate break, so it’s important to show the universe you’re grateful. 

3. Career updates should be at least 400 words long. Anything shorter will not adequately convey your message’s significance. An ideal career update would be around 1,500 words. 

With this knowledge, you’ll be able to craft the perfect LinkedIn post to transition from education to the corporate good life. 

There you have it, a three-point guide to getting a job written by a student who’s about to become unemployed. If you’re feeling daunted about the corporate world, don’t worry; that’s entirely natural, and you’re not alone. I find solace in the predictions of comedians like David Mitchell, who think it’s only a few years until an AI arachnid takes all our jobs anyway. In the meantime, remember that the world is full of opportunities; you’re just getting started, and there’s an exciting journey ahead.