The Psychology of Rejection

At one point or another, we have all found ourselves facing feelings of rejection. What can we do to ease the pain of disappointment?

Rejection is an unfortunate, but inevitable part of the human experience that impacts us all at various points in our lives. Being rejected by a romantic partner, for instance, can lead to profound feelings of insecurity and diminished self-worth as individuals internalise the failed relationship as a reflection of their own inadequacies. Similarly, in times such as academic offer seasons or when searching for a job, feelings of rejection may be particularly acute and exacerbate feelings of self-doubt and questioning of one's inherent value. Honing our understanding of the psychological mechanisms of rejection is therefore essential, and may help us to develop coping strategies, build resilience, and adopt a more balanced perspective on setbacks and perceived failures in our lives.

The Origins of Fearing Rejection

In a nutshell, rejection can feel painful because our brains are wired to seek social bonds and belonging, and thus being excluded from groups or denied intimacy with others threatens our most fundamental psychological needs. According to evolutionary psychologists, humans have an intrinsic need for social acceptance traceable back to an evolutionary past of relying on groups for survival. Rejection here posed a serious threat to an individual's ability to find food, shelter, and protection, and thus, humanity developed a sensitivity to rejection as an incentive to aid group survival. This response persists today, as demonstrated by FMRI studies that reveal the activation of similar  regions of the brain in response to social rejection and physical pain. This means, the experience of rejection is not only emotionally distressing, but resembles physical pain at the neurological level.

The Psychological Impact

The impact of rejection on our psychological well-being can be profound, and manifest both acutely and chronically. In the immediate aftermath of being denied an opportunity or relationship, ensuing emotional responses can actually resemble grief with individuals experiencing a range of intense emotions including sadness, anger, loneliness, and regret. This is because when we have anticipated or committed to the thought of owning an opportunity, the reality of rejection can feel like a desired experience is being taken away and trigger a sense of deprivation or separation akin to bereavement. In association with this, it has been found that men who were abusive in adult intimate relationships may have experienced higher levels of parental rejection in childhood. Here, researchers explain that experiencing rejection in childhood may cause individuals to develop ‘learned helplessness’, and lead to post-traumatic stress symptoms with possible social information processing deficits when similar situations arise later in life.

Coping Strategies for Dealing with Rejection

Individuals can use several strategies to effectively manage the experience of rejection, one of which being to adjust our own perception of rejection. In modern society, the concept of rejection is often linked to a system of value judgement. It is important to recognise, however, that rejection does not necessarily indicate a denial of one's value. Rather, selection of talent or relationships may be based on “attribute fit” rather than “value comparison”. It is common for individuals to assume that they were not selected for an opportunity due to inadequacies such as a lack of social skills or academic incompetency. Such assumptions, however, may not necessarily be accurate. Ultimately, it is better to perceive acceptance vs. rejection as an indicator of suitability, not a measure of worthiness. A second strategy is to leave relationships that give off a strong sense of rejection, as such relationships are often unhealthy and may lead to anxiety, depression, or lowered self-esteem over time. Here, we should ask ourselves whether the relationship is necessary for our personal growth, and if not whether we can find a replacement that nurtures our subjective well-being. Finally, as individuals we can take control of defining our own self-worth and actively seek out experiences and relationships that make us happy and proud of ourselves. In creating a healthy positive feedback system and rebuilding self-awareness, anyone can develop the ability to maintain a positive self-image over time, irrespective of deflating external feedback.