Is “Catch-Up Culture” Ruining Modern Friendships?
Image Credit: Christina Morillo via Pexels
I hadn’t seen my old school friend in months when she texted me the usual, “r u free soon?”
What struck me most isn’t that we’d drifted… it’s that we hadn’t. We do make plans. In fact, we always make plans. Yet, somewhere in our transition into adulthood, scheduled catch-ups have eroded the spontaneous episodes that once defined our friendship – whether it was pacing around school grounds to avoid classes, or exchanging meaningful glances in the quiet study rooms, unplanned time together built our foundation. This is no anomaly: modern adult friendship, it seems, has dissolved into the mere ritual of intermittent updating.
“Catch-Up Culture,” coined by the brilliant Michelle Elman (author of Bad Friend), diagnoses this exact phenomenon. However, naming it is only half of the work, and leaves us with one uncomfortable question: how have we let this become the blueprint for modern friendship in the first place? For decades, friend groups have splintered as school ends and university begins. Yet the harsher conditions for catch-up culture have been mounting for years, and the first stone was cast by none other than our beloved enemy: the economy.
Rather regrettably, an entire generation has had its social life dramatically reshaped by the tremendous cost of living. Smaller flats discourage hosting. Casually browsing for a treat has repeatedly proven catastrophic. Pricier commutes render impromptu meetups impossible (cheers, TFL). When spending time together comes with a hefty price tag, friendship inevitably becomes yet another expense to postpone.
The economy, however, rarely limits itself to the bill - in fact, it is notorious for its knock-on effects, dragging everybody into its mess. As such, longer working hours and flexible working for company convenience have followed suit. As of early 2023, the Office for National Statistics (ONS) reported that almost 60% of Londoners work from home at least once a week. Thus, the cycle begins. Briskly escape the confines of the office, Monday-Thursday. Thank-God-It’s-Work-From-Home-Friday. Avoid the “r u free soon?” text on Saturday, pass the guilt onto another friend on Sunday. It is no wonder that working adults have collectively redefined friendship as yet another task on the Excel spreadsheet.
So, what are we actually losing? More than we care to admit. When friendship is reduced to a scheduled debrief on the new job, the new holiday, or the not-so-new situationship, our conversations default to the very highlight reels we passively view on social media. We live beyond the intimacy of mundane, unfiltered exchanges, carefully tracing the sidelines of each other’s lives without ever really living inside of them. Such isolation compounds quietly into mentally upholding the idea of a friend who may no longer be in reach. The self is truly reflected in all things unexpected: mood swings, awkward encounters, unguarded moments. None of which survives the edit of a scheduled catch-up.
The cruellest result here is that none of this loneliness immediately feels lonely. You have friends. You always make plans. There are, in fact, treats in the diary! Yet, a calendar filled with catch-ups can (and does) coexist with a profound sense of never truly being known by anyone. Claiming that modern friendships have been “ruined” may seem unnecessarily catastrophic. However, finding yourself briefly rehearsing the catch-up before responding to a friend’s “r u free soon?” text is, in fact, catastrophic. Catch-up culture demands that we reduce our expectations of intimacy in friendships. Well, the unsettling truth is that we already have. We did it without ever noticing.
“Yes!! I’m sooo busy rn, but probably, maybe, might be free?? In like, two weeks, if that’s okay?!”