Left on Read: The Psychology Behind Being ‘Ghosted’
Image Credit: "ghost" by jonfeinstein, licensed under CC BY 2.0.
“Ghosted”: a term meaning a person has been cut off from all communication by another with no explanation, characterised by a profound sense of uncertainty, hope, anxiety and fear. Originating on social media and adopted by Gen Z, ghosting and the use of the word continue to grow in popularity.
As much as people hate to admit it out of self-consciousness, or maybe mere pride, everyone has been ghosted at least once. Remember that job you applied to four months ago, the one you were really excited for? Oh, you never heard back. You have been ghosted.
That friend you sent that Instagram Reel to, the one you thought they might relate to? If it’s been a few days without a response, it’s safe to assume you have been ghosted.
The person you have been speaking to, your crush or the one you’re dating, left you on seen? You have been ghosted. That one might particularly sting, with romantic ghosting being the foundation and arguably the hardest to brush off.
Being ghosted is usually associated with embarrassment and an array of not-so-fabulous feelings, but why is that? What actually goes on within your brain when it happens? It is not as simple as it seems. It’s a form of social rejection, resulting in lingering emotional pain, which has been proven to activate the same parts of the brain as physical pain.
The pain stems from the failure to meet the key psychological need of “relatedness” as defined by Self-Determination Theory. The theory argues that in order for an individual to feel motivated and fulfilled, three basic needs are required to be met:
Autonomy: the need to feel in control
Competence: the need to feel capable of completing tasks.
Relatedness: the need to feel social connectedness
External social environments can either nurture or neglect these needs.
In the case of being ghosted, the abrupt lack of communication neglects relatedness. Or, in other words, your innate sense of social connectedness to others. This induces a sense of insecurity and a loss of belonging, negatively impacting internal motivation. The lack of choice and control of direction when being ghosted undermines autonomy, further negating internal motivation. Interestingly, but not surprisingly, the ‘ghoster’ experiences the negative impact of lost relatedness on a much lower scale, or not at all, due to the voluntary and autonomous nature of the exclusion compared to the forced nature experienced in the ‘ghosted’ case.
The loss of security and autonomy leads to two potential paths: conforming to social influence and group norms, or behaving defensively.
Defensive behaviours, including people pleasing and emotional dependency, stem from the threat of losing relatedness but are fundamentally expressions of the desire to feel accepted by others and to protect the ego. While there is no right path to overcoming this loss, restoring balance requires engaging in activities that motivate you internally and increase your personal satisfaction, reminding you of your autonomy and competence. This can be any activity that feels rewarding without external validation: painting, exercising, learning a new language, or spending time with friends who offer you consistency.
So the next time you are left on read, unanswered, or quietly cut off, and you tell yourself it should not matter - remember that it does. Being ghosted disrupts fundamental psychological needs. When that happens, the best response is not to chase closure but to rebuild fulfilment from within through your own intrinsic motivation.